Things You Envy: My Brain

     I'm a damn genius.  Really.  Especially if you take the numbers in my IQ and transpose a couple.  Hello, MENSA.  (Could you send me another invitation?  I think my postal lady may have lost the other one.  That is one unreliable chick right there.  I mean, she's always driving from the passenger seat.  Loco!)

     Last Saturday, while burning my fingers and permanently staining my shirt with bacon grease, I had a genius thought:  pan-sized bacon.  Why should bacon come in long strips, when my pan is a circle?  Even my square pan (which I'm sure has another name, but I don't know what it is, as my genius doesn't crossover into kitchen matters) is too short for bacon.  I generally use the circle pan and cut the bacon strips in half.  It doesn't work.  No one should ever play Tetris with a hot stovetop and bacon bubbles.  So listen up pig-killers:  Bacon should be sold in nine-inch circles.  If Ruffles can put ridges in a potato, surely you can handle this.  See?  Genius.

     And just this morning, a bit of medical advice popped into my head that I shall be soon contacting medical journals about publishing.  Patients who are sent home with poop collection jars (especially multiple jars), should simply eat a Sonic breakfast to get things rolling.  Doctors could just write it on a script pad:  three stool samples, Dulcolax, cheesy tater tots.  Again:  genius.  I can't help it, really.

     Sometimes my genius comes in the form of advice (to people who didn't ask my opinion).  One such example presented itself this afternoon when a friend, KH, was presented a dilemma:  My friend's awesome sister sent her a check and in the "for" line it read "nude photography."  Because KH sold her porn collection to her sister.  KH thought the conservative place where she banks may not look kindly upon this transaction when she presents the check for deposit.  Not to worry.  I've got your back, KH.  There's quite a lot that can be done to add to "nude photography."  Here are a few suggestions to get the brainstorming started:

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     1.  SPEGETTY nudeL photography (They'll just think your sis is dumb instead of thinking you're a perv.)

     2.  LARGE COLLECTION OF VINTAGE nude photography (Collectors are classy.)

     3.  DISPOSAL OF nude photography IN THE NAME OF THE CHURCH (You're a life-saver, KH!)

     4.  SEMI-nude photography (Okay, this may not be any better.)

     Now, while most of these suggestions are fine, I think you'll find I've saved the best for last.  Simply turn in the check as is, and slip a business card under it that says, "KH:  Nude Model.  Available for parties and special events."