Things You Envy: My Brain

     I'm a damn genius.  Really.  Especially if you take the numbers in my IQ and transpose a couple.  Hello, MENSA.  (Could you send me another invitation?  I think my postal lady may have lost the other one.  That is one unreliable chick right there.  I mean, she's always driving from the passenger seat.  Loco!)

     Last Saturday, while burning my fingers and permanently staining my shirt with bacon grease, I had a genius thought:  pan-sized bacon.  Why should bacon come in long strips, when my pan is a circle?  Even my square pan (which I'm sure has another name, but I don't know what it is, as my genius doesn't crossover into kitchen matters) is too short for bacon.  I generally use the circle pan and cut the bacon strips in half.  It doesn't work.  No one should ever play Tetris with a hot stovetop and bacon bubbles.  So listen up pig-killers:  Bacon should be sold in nine-inch circles.  If Ruffles can put ridges in a potato, surely you can handle this.  See?  Genius.

     And just this morning, a bit of medical advice popped into my head that I shall be soon contacting medical journals about publishing.  Patients who are sent home with poop collection jars (especially multiple jars), should simply eat a Sonic breakfast to get things rolling.  Doctors could just write it on a script pad:  three stool samples, Dulcolax, cheesy tater tots.  Again:  genius.  I can't help it, really.

     Sometimes my genius comes in the form of advice (to people who didn't ask my opinion).  One such example presented itself this afternoon when a friend, KH, was presented a dilemma:  My friend's awesome sister sent her a check and in the "for" line it read "nude photography."  Because KH sold her porn collection to her sister.  KH thought the conservative place where she banks may not look kindly upon this transaction when she presents the check for deposit.  Not to worry.  I've got your back, KH.  There's quite a lot that can be done to add to "nude photography."  Here are a few suggestions to get the brainstorming started:

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     1.  SPEGETTY nudeL photography (They'll just think your sis is dumb instead of thinking you're a perv.)

     2.  LARGE COLLECTION OF VINTAGE nude photography (Collectors are classy.)

     3.  DISPOSAL OF nude photography IN THE NAME OF THE CHURCH (You're a life-saver, KH!)

     4.  SEMI-nude photography (Okay, this may not be any better.)

     Now, while most of these suggestions are fine, I think you'll find I've saved the best for last.  Simply turn in the check as is, and slip a business card under it that says, "KH:  Nude Model.  Available for parties and special events."  

Cows, Chicks & Mennonites, Oh My!

                I live where they filmed Deliverance.  Actually, that’s a lie.  But I am surrounded by water and trees and dirt and men with suspect mustaches.  (Including my husband, but for totally different reasons.  I mean, how many Asians have mustaches?  Shave that shit, husband.)

                When we bought the house, the previous owner kept acres and acres of land behind us on which he housed cows.  Grilling hamburgers on the deck while looking at cows was slightly uncomfortable (and still delicious), but other than that the cows were never a problem.  In fact, they were often a source of summertime entertainment, as we’d jump in the pool armed with water guns and see how many we could hit before they started mooing and jogging further back pasture. 

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                In the fall of  2011, the man who owned the cows and land and told us he’d “never in this lifetime sell either” sold them both.  But, presumably, not to the same people.   The cows left, and we mourned the loss of their voices as we slathered BBQ sauce on their brethren and slapped them on the grill. 

                Over the winter months, tractors and trucks carrying building materials made their way back to the land.  The entrance to the property was widened, and dirt was either smoothed down or piled up, according to the new owner’s plan.  I had hoped he’d started some sort of development down my dirt road. I had hoped to have concrete and neighbors and kids on bikes in my neck of the (literal) woods. I crossed my fingers that he wasn’t preparing for what the entire town said he was, and I hoped vehemently I wouldn’t have chicken houses behind me.  Hope can bite my ass.

            As the chicken houses went up in the distant field, the search for the perfect people to run them ensued.  Apparently people who own chicken houses are not the same people who tend to them, and the rule of thumb is that the owner will provide a home for the working family. 

            Yesterday I met the chosen chicken keepers -- the people who will soon by my neighbors.  They are a perfectly nice family who agreed to not run over my septic tank with their tractor.  They are also Mennonites.  If you think about it, my family is really not so different from their family.  We both drive black vans, and the kids of both parties always look like they took a bath in jelly and dried off with dirt. 

Abe, the Mennonite patriarch, said they’d likely plant some trees on the land boundary closest to our pool, so as to give our family some privacy.  I said, “I don’t blame you.  I don’t even want to see myself in a bathing suit!”  And then I laughed and touched his arm, which is probably kind of like having sex with him.    After that uncomfortable exchange, I readily jumped back into my black van, which is clearly different than his black van, as mine had a three-year-old in the backseat singing, “You’re looking so damn hot” while gyrating in her carseat.  Her brother was seated next to her and playing on his phone.  But it’s a black phone, so I’m not sure if that’s okay or not.

My entire family jumped in the pool late last night, and I was quick to relay my conversation/sexual encounter to my husband. 

Cy said, “So we’ll have nice neighbors and some privacy.”

To which I countered, “You’re missing the point.”

“Which is?”

“We’ll have something to shoot with water guns this summer.”

“Hurray for little chickens.”

“Oh, I didn’t think about the chickens.  I was thinking Mennonites.”

The Busy Mom's Guide to Couponing

Extreme couponing is actually extremely simple.  I’m both incredibly busy and mildly lazy, and I still have both the time and energy to do it. I devote roughly one hour a week to couponing, and my grocery bill has dropped in the neighborhood of 75 percent over the course of the year I’ve been couponing.

You know how people say, “It’s not a diet; it’s a lifestyle change.”?  Well the same theory applies to couponing.  When you coupon effectively, you’ll start shopping differently for life.

There are a million nuances to couponing that I could overwhelm you with, and likely some I’ve never been exposed to, but instead of focusing on everything at one time, I’m just going to tell you the three steps you need to get started.  That’s right:  three.  I call it OSS.  Probably because I’m a teacher.  Had I been a sailor, I may have titled it SOS.

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O is for ORGANIZE. 

The first week I couponed, I bought one of those little wallets with 13 pockets.  And I couldn’t find anything in it.  The second week, I bought a one-inch binder, some dividers, and 25 baseball card sleeves.  I also watched several videos about how to make a coupon binder on YouTube (and so should you).  By the end of the month I was out of room in my binder and had to upgrade again.

Now I tell people to buy a three- or four-inch binder, 75 baseball card sheets, and 20 or more dividers, depending on how many categories you think you need.   Here’s a tip for category determination:  one category for each row at your favorite grocery store, plus a retail category, a miscellaneous category, and a free coupon category. 

In order to save time, don’t clip and organize coupons you know you won’t use, and clean out your binder weekly.  Takes maybe fifteen minutes, even with little sticky people yelling, “Momma.  Momma.  Mom.  Mother.  Mother.  Mother.  Momma! Mom.”

S is for STOCKPILE

Stockpiling is not synonymous with hoarding, so clear your brain of that awful thought immediately. 

Before I go any further, I want you to know that I live in a 2000 square-foot, garage-less home with three other people.  I don’t have any more storage than the rest of America, and I don’t ever buy anything I don’t have room for in its proper cabinets.  I don’t have a room full of toilet paper, because, even if it was on sale, I wouldn’t want my neighbors tripping over it if they came into my house.  (Which they never have.  Even though we’ve lived there for six years.  My husband says I should abandon the thought of receiving welcome-to-the-hood cupcakes, but I remain steadfast in my position that no one should ever give up hope when it comes to baked goods.)  I also don’t hide stuff under my kids’ beds or in the guest bedroom.  But, then again, I don’t have a guest bedroom, and my daughter did once find a hot dog under her bed.  By “a hot dog” I obviously mean “a package of hot dogs.”  She’s three and a meat-eater. 

To give you an idea of what I do have on hand, there are probably eight bottles of shampoo under my bathroom sink.  I have six bottles of laundry detergent on the laundry room shelf.  I have three bottles of barbeque sauce and six packages of macaroni and cheese.  If my family wants bacon, I have four packages left in the freezer.  I only bought eight packages of bacon on my last trip, even though the price was fabulously low.  More than eight wouldn’t have fit in my freezer, and that’s not something you want to keep in the top of your closet.

The reason you’ll want to stockpile is simply because you’ll be buying items when the price is low.  I like the Christmas ornament analogy:  If you’re in Walmart a few days after Christmas, you’ll likely notice ornaments for half price or less.  Judging from the suffocating walk down the aisles during that time, I think it’s safe to say many of us have bought holiday décor post-holiday on clearance in anticipation of the same event the following year.  People often buy clothes on clearance, Halloween costumes in November, and appliances during Memorial Day sales.  Why, then, wouldn’t it make sense to buy groceries on sale, too?  You simply save them until you need them, much like that unopened French maid costume you bought in 1995 and are still hoping you’ll finally fit into next Halloween.  Or maybe not really like that at all, because you’ll actually use the groceries.  Your boobs will never again be perky enough to wear the costume.

There are two important things you should know in the stockpile step:

1.       You’ll need to buy more newspapers in order to get more coupons in order to stockpile.  (There are obviously other ways to get coupons – exchanges, Dumpster dives – but I’d really just rather throw another couple of bucks at a newspaper rather than devote time I don’t have to these endeavors.)  The rule of thumb is to buy one paper for each person living in your home.  I buy four each Sunday, and that rule has always served me well.  What this means is that when I can get free toothpaste with a coupon, I can get four free tubes because I’ll have four coupons.

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      2.      Your grocery list may go from looking like “cheese, milk, peanut butter, etc.” to “four jars of peanut butter, eight tubs of baby wipes, and six boxes of Raisin Bran.”  And that’s a good thing.  Mostly because Raisin Bran is awesome.

S is for SALE

This is easy:  Pair coupons with sales for maximum savings. 

Let me give you an example:  My favorite shredded cheese is generally $3.69 a package at my favorite store.  This week it’s on sale for $2 per package.  I have coupons for 50 cents off, which my store will double to $1.  That’s incredibly rich and creamy cheese for $1 a package, people!  I will, obviously, buy four packages, because I have four coupons.  This is a perfectly sane amount, as we’ll eat that amount before it goes bad, and there’s plenty of room in nearly anyone’s refrigerator for that amount of cheese. 

PARTING THOUGHTS

Take time to become familiar with one store and its policies before taking on another.  Don’t chase sales down; there will always be another sale.

Don’t worry about doing anything with printable coupons right now.  We’ll add those in later.  You can save tons without ever touching a computer anyway.

Do expect this to take more time the first several months.  You’ll find tips and tricks to cutting and organizing, and there will be some cross-over when you’re starting a stockpile but still having to shop like a normal person while waiting for sales.  My grocery bill was the same the first month, but much of it was devoted to stockpiling.  Within three months, I was only spending 50 percent of what I once had.  It’s now been a year, I go to the store maybe once a month, and I spent roughly a quarter of what I once did. 

HOMEWORK

Obviously I’m giving you homework; I’m an English teacher.  This week, make a binder, buy multiple newspapers, and try a very small trip at your favorite store.  If you save anything, call it a success.  It’s not about the percentage, it’s about buying products that your family will use for a great price.  Delicious products like Raisin Bran and cheese.  (It's probably worth noting that I'm not the same chick who will be writing the fitness columns.)